fuckingrecipes:

NEED A DAMN SIDE FOR DINNER? NOTHING TO GO WITH YOUR BLOOD-DRIPPING MEAT OR YOUR HARDCORE VEGETARIAN SUBSTITUTE?

I’M HERE TO SAVE YOUR POOR ASSES.

STEP RIGHT THE FUCK UP MY METAL FRIENDS, BECAUSE WE’RE ABOUT TO MAKE A PRETTY DAMN EASY RISOTTO THAT IS THE SHIT TOGETHER WITH ANYTHING!!

YOU’RE GONNA NEED THE FOLLOWING TO MAKE THIS FUCKER:

• A MEDIUM-SIZED POT GODDAMN VIKING HELMET’S WORTH OF VEGETABLE BROTH
• ONE BIG ASS YELLOW ONION
• SOME FUCKING MINCED GARLIC
• A SHITLOAD OF PORTOBELLO MUSHROOMS
• SOME MOTHERFUCKING BUTTER
• A FUCKING BOX OF ARBORIO RICE 
• SOME PARMESAN CHEESE - GO FOR MORE IF YOU WANT A CHEESIER TASTE FOR YOUR STRONG ASS TASTE BUDS
• TWO CUPS OF DRY WHITE WINE BREWED FROM THE TEARS YOUR ENEMIES - I RECOMMEND A FRUITY ASS WINE BUT DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT 

ALL RIGHT. CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF THAT ONION OF YOURS. MAKE IT FUCKING CRY FOR MERCY. 

BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MUSHROOMS WITH A KNIFE BLESSED BY A CHILD DRESSED LIKE THE POPE. THEY’RE THE MAIN ATTRACTION, SO MAKE SURE THERE’S SOME FUCKING HEARTY CHUNKS IN THERE.

GRATE THE DAMN CHEESE.

HEAT UP A FRYING PAN - MEDIUM HEAT SO YOU DON’T BRING OUT TOO MUCH HELLFIRE. WE DON’T WANT THE DAMN UNIVERSE ALIGHT WITH FLAMES. 

FRY UP YOUR ONION AND YOUR GARLIC UNTIL THEY SMELL REALLY FUCKING FINE. FIVE MINUTES OR SO? IDC, AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR THE ONION TO START APPEARING TRANSLUCENT.

 THEN TOSS IN 3/4 OF YOUR MUSHROOMS AND FRY THAT SHIT UP FOR ABOUT SEVEN ASS-KICKING MINUTES!!

ADD A LITTLE EXTRA BUTTER TO THE PAN, THEN THROW ABOUT HALF OF YOUR FINE ASS RICE INTO THE PAN!

FRY THAT SHIT FOR A FEW  MINUTES. YES, THERE IS DRY RICE IN THE PAN. CONFUSED? CALM YOUR TITS. IT’LL MAKE SENSE IN A MOMENT.

NOW SPLASH IN A BIT OF WINE AND STIR THAT MIX UP.  HOLY SHIT LOOK AT YOUR  MAJESTIC ASS, LOOKIN LIKE CHEF FUCKING RAMSES. REMEMBER TO USE WHITE WINE, ASSHAT.

 POUR IN A LITTLE OF THAT FINE ASS VEGETABLE BROTH, TO QUELL THE GROWING RAGE WITHIN THAT PAN. .

YOU WANNA STIR COMPLETELY TO BALANCE THE FLAVORS. HEAR THAT? FLAVOR BALANCE, MOTHERFUCKERS, FEELING GOURMET YET?

ONCE ALMOST ALL THE LIQUID IS GONE FROM EVAPORATION, REPEAT THE DAMN WINE AND BROTH PROCESS.

KEEP REPEATING UNTIL YOU’RE OUT OF WINE AND BROTH!

STIR A LOT SO IT DOESN’T DECIDE THAT THIS PROCESS IS BULLSHIT AND START TO BURN~ NOTHING RUINS A NICE AFTERNOON LIKE YOUR FOOD REBELLING. 

BUT WAIT, THERE’S A SHIT-TON OF BROTH AND WINE IN THE PAN!

YES, GOOD, YOU’RE OBSERVING. FANTASTIC. STIR ONE LAST TIME AND THEN ALLOW IT TO SIT. ALLOW THIS FOOD TO BELIEVE THAT IT IS SAFE FROM YOUR PASSIONATE WORDS AND TOUCHES FOR THE MOMENT. 

SURPRISE! THROW IN THE REMAINING MUSHROOMS. CACKLE AT THE SHOCK YOU SEE IN YOUR FOOD’S FACE, AND CROUCH DOWN TO BE HIDDEN ONCE AGAIN. A PROPER POT DOES NOT BOIL WATCHED. 

LEAVE ON THE HEAT, UNCOVERED, WHILE IT SIMMERS. THIS SHOULD EVAPORATE WATER UNTIL ALMOST ALL THE LIQUID IS GONE AGAIN, LEAVING ONLY TRIUMPHANT FLAVOR BEHIND~

NOW TOSS IN YOUR FINE-ASS CHEESE.

IF YOU WANT THIS SHIT TO BE MORE LIQUIDY, REMOVE THE PAN FROM THE FLAMES OF HELL NOW!! IF YOU DON’T, KEEP IT IN THE DEVIL’S DOMAIN FOR A LITTLE LONGER!

CONGRATS, CHAMP. YOU’VE NOW MADE SOME FINE ASS RISOTTO THAT GOES WELL WITH FUCKING ANYTHING.

cheddarlywry:

Have I shared my vegetarian chili recipe with all of you? Because it is so freaking delicious. I just had a ginormous bowl—beans, roasted corn, Morningstar Crumbles, bell peppers, chipotle peppers, and tomatoes, with a dollop of sour cream and a sprinkle of cheddar cheese. The Crumbles are the most important part, as they add texture and heft that can often be missing in vegetarian dishes. 

 

 

Cheddar’s Veggie Chili 

1 large white or yellow onion, diced (set aside a small bowl for garnish)

3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 cup of chopped peppers (red and green—you can skip them, though, if you don’t have them on-hand)

2 minced chipotle chilis in adobo sauce, plus 2-3 tablespoons of sauce 

2 tblesp cumin

2 teaspoons coriander

3 teaspoons chili powder

(You may need more of the spices—I just throw them in, so I’m not really sure of the measurements, so I may have underestimated. I really like cumin, so I definitely use two full heaping tablespoons)

1 bottle beer (I used a Pale Ale, but any lager would do as well. Veggie stock can be substituted)

1 28-oz can crushed tomatoes

1 14 oz can diced tomatoes (I used fire-roasted with chile from TJ’s, which I drain a little bit)

1 can black beans (drained and rinsed)

1 can pinto beans (drained and rinsed) 

1 can dark kidney beans (drained and rinsed)

1 cup frozen corn (I used the fire-roasted corn from TJ’s)

1 lime

1/4 package Morningstar Farm fake meat crumbles

1/2 cup bulghur wheat

cilantro, sour cream, cheddar, chopped onion, lime for garnish

1. saute onions in a tablespoon olive oil on med-low for ten minutes. Add in garlic, peppers and stir for five more minutes. Add in spices, chipotle, and adobo sauce. Let spices toast for a little bit. Turn up heat a bit, pour in enough beer to deglaze pan, let simmer for a few minutes.

2. Add beans (drained and rinsed), tomatoes, and corn with rest of beer. Stir and simmer for a few minutes. Add crumbles and a squeeze of lime. Let simmer on low for 30-40 minutes with lid half on, stirring every few minutes until at a desired consistency. You may need to add a bit more beer/stock/water if it gets too thick before the bulghur has fully cooked. 

3. Serve with a dollop of sour cream, a sprinkle of cheddar, and a bit of cilantro and onions. I often cut flour tortillas up and bake them with salt and cumin for light, flakey tortilla chips. 

YUM